Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Randomize
