thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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