I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
