hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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