I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
