So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
