Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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