I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
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She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
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You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila