somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."