Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
