he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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