shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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