just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
He shit in the fireplace
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
