just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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