So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
