I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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