the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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