he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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