he looks like a really good dad on facebook
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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