I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Randomize
