so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
