I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I need mimosas to revive my soul
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
