Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
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