i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
We left an ass print on the piano.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
