My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
