my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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