I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Randomize
