This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
