My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I met the friendliest cop last night
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize
