there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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