The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
