Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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