You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
