I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
