I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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