Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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