Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
