i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
