Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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