we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
