So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Randomize
