it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Is Oprah even human
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
