My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
