I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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