I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
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