Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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