How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
