Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
