I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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