I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
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The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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