I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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