saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
operation harelip BJ is a go
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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