I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
