why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Randomize
