so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
