By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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